Five months ago we were told the happy news: We were matched! After years of waiting, a birthmom had chosen our family to adopt her baby.

A lot of life has happened during those five months and throughout it all we have dreamt about what it would be like to have a baby in the house. The diapers, the middle of the night feedings, the crying, none of it seemed like a big deal. Lydia became attached to her baby doll, feeding her, holding her, putting her down in the baby’s bed, etc. We talked of names and meanings.

The kids and I traveled to Florida 11 days ago. We were very excited and our dreams seemed to be becoming a reality. The kids had a week off from school and so I decided to bring them to Florida early, if the birth mom went into labor we’d be near by. The kids played in the pool and we went to the beach. We figured we’d have a great time waiting for our baby.

Then we received some troubling news. Our birthmom hadn’t returned any phone, text, email or facebook messages that the agency had sent. It has now been two weeks since the agency has had contact with our birth mom and about 9 days of living in limbo for our family. They are officially closing this case today. We will not be returning to Utah with a baby.

I am heartbroken. My husband is heartbroken. The kids are heartbroken. We lost a baby. Even though the baby was not physically in my “tummy” the baby was very much a part of our hearts. To lose the baby hurts.

Please understand we have no hard feelings toward the birthmother and her decision to keep the baby. We understand how difficult the decision can be to place a child for adoption and in the end it is her baby. We have been honored to provide help for her family these last few months and hope that she will raise her children in the Lord. We love her and this little boy that we will never meet.

However, during this time of grief and waiting, I’ve been overwhelmed by how many people love our family. Beyond those related to us by blood we have had so many of our church family and friends reach out to us and pray for our family and offer comfort. What a blessing everyone has been.

Even though I don’t understand what happened or why the birthmom went incognito or even why I’m suffering from a broken heart, I do know that God is sovereign. This is my Father’s world and He does have a purpose in all things. God loves me and He loves my family. He is comforting our hearts directly and indirectly through the people around us. I will continue to cry for this loss, but I will trust that God knows what is best for my family and for the little boy that stayed with his birthmom.

These last few days the following song has been stuck in my head. I can’t think of a better song to be stuck in my head. (Except for maybe the one song that came on my Pandora “Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus” but I don’t know as many of those words! 🙂 )