A Failed Adoption – Two Years Later

We are coming up on the 2nd anniversary of our failed adoption and I still think about it.

Almost two and half years ago we were matched with a birth mom in Florida. We spent 5 months thinking about this baby, anticipating, praising God that he had heard our cries and that He was, after such a long wait, growing our family. While I do believe that God protected my heart during this time, I still got attached to the little boy. In my head I call him Matthew James. Aaron and I had definitely agreed on Matthew and I figure I would have won him over to James as a middle name. ūüôā So, Matthew James is the¬†name of the little boy that I was expecting to raise.

However, his mom decided to keep him. And that’s ok! We knew that was a possibility.¬†And she had every right to do so! I do not begrudge her in any way. But, I do think about Matthew James, sometimes – at random times. I think about how he’d be almost two. I wonder what his exact birthday is. I wonder what he looks like. I wonder if he’s happy. I wonder what milestones he’s hit. I wonder if he’ll grow up to know Jesus. I wonder what his favorite toys are. I wonder how big he is. I¬†just wonder¬†about him and who he is.

God has healed my heart from the pain of the loss of this expected child. He¬†gave us a daughter instead,¬†only four, short months later. God has blessed us immensely. I can imagine that these years – wondering about Matthew James – would have been harder if we didn’t have our joyful Hannah Pi.¬†But¬†God also reminds me to pray for little Matthew James.¬†Wherever he is, whatever his real name is, he is still on my heart.¬†I hope he is safe and knows that he is loved by the creator of the world. He’ll¬†never know about me, but I’m here, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never forget about him.

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One thought on “A Failed Adoption – Two Years Later

  1. You are an amazing women. You took great sorrow and turned your hurt into prayers and blessings for a little boy. I will keep you both in my prayers. Love Aunt Tam

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