We are coming up on the 2nd anniversary of our failed adoption and I still think about it.
Almost two and half years ago we were matched with a birth mom in Florida. We spent 5 months thinking about this baby, anticipating, praising God that he had heard our cries and that He was, after such a long wait, growing our family. While I do believe that God protected my heart during this time, I still got attached to the little boy. In my head I call him Matthew James. Aaron and I had definitely agreed on Matthew and I figure I would have won him over to James as a middle name. 🙂 So, Matthew James is the name of the little boy that I was expecting to raise.
However, his mom decided to keep him. And that’s ok! We knew that was a possibility. And she had every right to do so! I do not begrudge her in any way. But, I do think about Matthew James, sometimes – at random times. I think about how he’d be almost two. I wonder what his exact birthday is. I wonder what he looks like. I wonder if he’s happy. I wonder what milestones he’s hit. I wonder if he’ll grow up to know Jesus. I wonder what his favorite toys are. I wonder how big he is. I just wonder about him and who he is.
God has healed my heart from the pain of the loss of this expected child. He gave us a daughter instead, only four, short months later. God has blessed us immensely. I can imagine that these years – wondering about Matthew James – would have been harder if we didn’t have our joyful Hannah Pi. But God also reminds me to pray for little Matthew James. Wherever he is, whatever his real name is, he is still on my heart. I hope he is safe and knows that he is loved by the creator of the world. He’ll never know about me, but I’m here, and I’m pretty sure I’ll never forget about him.